I have no freaking idea what was going on.
- Danil
- Nov 9
- 3 min read
How we pretend to understand everything and make it harder to actually get things done
A few years ago, I was on another video call with my dad. I was talking non-stop about one of my projects (I don't even remember which one). I loved discussing my work with him, and he seemed to enjoy it too. He was already retired, and these talks made him feel part of the action again. And he was just curious about what his son was doing
I kept talking, he kept nodding, sometimes even asking questions. And then suddenly, I caught his look. I recognized it immediately. That one second was enough to realize…
He had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.
Not a clue. I'm 100% sure. Why? Because I know that look. I've seen it in the mirror.
It's the look you get when you don't understand a thing, but you nod anyway.
Like when you're sixteen and someone is telling you something fascinating but completely incomprehensible as if it's obvious to everyone else. And it could be about anything: geopolitics, emotions, stock prices, how blockchain works, what's beyond the event horizon… anything.
They talk like it's common knowledge. And you don't get it. But you're too embarrassed to say so, 'cause the conversation's already halfway through, and you really don't want to look stupid.
And the listeners? They switch to classic mode: fake it until… not make it.
I've seen the same look in meetings with contractors (especially when IT people talk to non-IT clients), in team discussions, in any conversation where something complex gets dismissed as "self-explanatory."
In the end, everyone pretends they understand. Then everyone wonders why nothing works, deadlines burn, the product makes no sense, and the final result looks nothing like what was discussed.
Let's allow ourselves and others not to understand
The most grown-up thing in work and life is to admit, honestly, that you don't get it. And to always assume the person you're talking to might not get it either.
To do something well, you need to understand it just enough to actually do it.
And for that, you need a few simple things:
Stop assuming everyone understands everything.
If you're explaining something (especially something complex or new), assume people don't know. It's not that they're stupid; they just have different expertise, context, and too much on their plate.
Stop pretending you understand when you don't.
If you have no idea what's being said but keep nodding, you're not helping anyone. Not yourself, not your team.
What's the worst that could happen?
You ask a "stupid" question? Then you'll finally understand.
You ask, "Is this clear?" No one gets offended, but everyone gets a chance to catch up.
And if you ask someone to explain again, they'll have to structure their own thought. In that moment, they start understanding it better themselves.
And what's the best that can happen?
You learn something new. Always a win.
You reach real understanding, not an imitation of it.
Everyone ends up on the same page.
You feel calmer and stronger because, if it's okay not to understand and to ask, life (and work) gets a lot easier.
When you don't have extra people, money, or time, you can't afford the luxury of not asking or not explaining.
So let's agree on this:
If something's unclear, we ask.
If we explain, we do it in plain language.
If we see that "I have no idea what you're saying" look, we stop and explain again.
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